Daily Poll/Archive/January 2008
January 30, 2008 *Points: Blackwater Secret Trials, Democrats Interrogate Mukasey, Ball Experiments *Truths: Blackwater, Attorney General Mukasey, interrogation, trial, activists Should Blackwater protesters be imprisoned or sent to serve in Iraq as volunteer janitors for Halliburton and the troops? Imprisoned. To Iraq with them. Shouldn't they be deported to Iran? Torture them until they give up the names of their activist supporters. January 29, 2008 *Points: The President's State of the Union, Charges to keep *Truths: The Greatest President Ever!, Charge to Keep, Katherine Harris, Michele Bachmann Was this the greatest State of the Union address? OMFG! LOL! Is too late to harvest his stem cells? Was that Katherine Harris or Michele Bachmann feeling the spirtit of the Lord? Cheney pwnd Pelosi - again! Taxes need to be raised so faith-based schools for poor children can make it required viewing. January 28, 2008 *Points: Halliburton's Rising Profits, $70 Billion more, Foreign Imports *Truths: Halliburton, The Greatest Vice President, Pentagon, billion Who will the profit-hating liberals blame when they discover Halliburton's rising profits? Government contracts for Iraq. Underpaid labor. Their ability to avoid hiring Jew lawyers. Cheney's cronies. The Pentagon for giving their profits immunity. January 27, 2008 *Points: Bearophilia Top 10, Bear Headline News *Truths: bears, bear baiting, Sexiest Wiki User Alive, Wikipedia, Wikinazis A bear, a squirrel, and a turtle appeared in the Wikipedia's top 10 photos of 2007. No photos of Stephen were even voted on. How can Wikipedia redeem itself after rewarding bearophiles? Include apologies to Stephen in the voters' comment section. Auction the photos instead of giving them away. Put a bear alert level on Wikipedia's main page. Add a Stephen Colbert photo library site called Wikibert. Name Stephen's biggest photo of 2007 as the year's sexiest photo. January 26, 2008 *Points: North American Scum *Truths: music, country, writers, Texas What was the best song of 2007? North American Scum. That country one. That gospel one. That one about Texas. All songs are by writers and all writers are liberals and therefore all songs hate America. January 24-25, 2008 There were no polls on these dates. If you remember otherwise, you can request backup evidence from the White House Computer Archives. January 23, 2008 *Points: Recycled tapes, White House email *Truths: email, tubes, Internets, no-bid contract, Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation Who received the no-bid contract to maintain the White House email archives? IBM Apple Hewlett Packard Microsoft The Stephen & Melinda Gates Foundation January 22, 2008 *Points: Torture list, White House Email *Truths: Canada, "torture", writers, God's Country, Michael B. Mukasey Who will Canada blame for putting God's Country on the list of countries that torture? The Foreign Affairs Department. The writers' union. Bear threats. Attorney General Mukasey An email from Vice President Cheney's office. January 21, 2008 *Points: Bill Moyers' King impersonation *Truths: Martin Luther King, Africa, niggers, homosexuals, macacas, America's Party What does MLK day mean to you? Another day for the gub'ment to avoid impeachment. Another day for postal workers to shoot innocent fetuses. Another day for homosexuals to try to bond with niggers. Another day for lazy macacas to hate America's Party. January 20, 2008 *Points: A Discontent Surge? *Truths: surge, Iraq, troops, oil Who is actually disconetent in Iraq? Troops. Iraqis. Blackwater. Halliburton. Terrorists. January 19, 2008 *Briefing: Christmas, America's Party, abstinence only, 2007 Truthiness Awards *Agents: WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer When should Wikiality.com take down the Christmas lights? They're still up? After Jesus's Easter egg hunt. Only if America's Party does not win in November. After the Truthiness Awards winners abstinence only party. January 18, 2008 *Points: Surgetopia, Diplomat Retirement, Terrorist Supporters, Securing Iraq, Iraqi Polls *Briefing: The Greatest President (Ever!), Iraq, troops, Surge What does the arrival of Surgetopia allow The Greatest President to do? Get rid of excess labor. Support the retirement of dedicated troops. Prevent Democrats from arming terrorists. Engage in long term troop planning. Help Iraq's government work on its caucus polls and constitutional legislation. January 17, 2008 *Points: Healthy Happy Troops *Briefing: troops, health care, Walter Reed, KBR Have changes been made to make sure Walter Reed hospital is properly caring for injured troops? Didn't President Bush have somebody resign? Vice President Cheney hired KBR to keep the hospital clean. Go watch Sicko with Michael more you liberal! Change is for Obamaists. Why can't Democrats understand the power of tough love healing techniques? January 16, 2008 *Benchmark points,Terrorist Funds, benchmarks, Iraq, budget, Jack Abramoff What does the GAO know about questionable financial data in Iraq benchmarks? They hired Enron's accountants to work with a team formed by Jack Abramoff. They contribute to the same Islamic charities as Mark D. Siljander. Countryside Financial's sub-prime loan experts consulted them. They learned about taxing and spending from the Democrats. January 15, 2008 *Sub-prime profits, Subprime Mortgage, executive, banks Is $40 million a fair payoff for the inventor of sub-prime mortgages? The GAO probably thinks it's overspending on a bankrupt bank. It's a small part of 9 million loans worth $1.5 trillion (if all are paid). Are the Democrats going to tax us for it? Bush & Cheney are asking for a similar deal. January 14, 2008 *Afghan payments, Marines go marching on, Marines, troops, Afghanistan, Taliban Why are Afghans shot by Marines being paid? They were civilians. They lied when interrogated about being Taliban members. They had family. The Marines were not employed by Blackwater. January 13, 2008 *Hope Points, Afghanistan, opium, bongs, Thatchers, Pakistan, Taliban Why doesn't the BBC believe in Afghani Americanization? Why did it send Rupert Murdoch to Australia? Half the UK is writers doing opium bongs. They drink tea. Thatchers are royally inherited and the BBC isn't royalty. January 11, 2008 From middle America to the hippies and sodomites, heroes, Our Glorious Stephen The first glorious week of Stephen's return without any writers to annoy us with words is officially over. Besides nailing Stewart every day, what was the best part of the show? Having Stewart exposed for the clock gobbler he is. Watching the Heroes totally lay waste to Stewart's ungutly audience. Stephen calling New Hampshire ahead of John. Stewart misspelling his name as Jon every night. January 10, 2008 *Probing points, Halliburton, KBR, The Greatest President Ever Halliburton has successfully defended itself against some young skank's rape claims who doesn't even have a stained dress thanks to: Halliburton employees who destroyed the evidence. Army troops who let the Halliburton employees have the evidence. The Greatest President Ever. Immunity that allows Halliburton to rape terrorists, foreign or domestic. January 9, 2008 *Weapons of Provocation, Iran, Navy, Operation Iranian Independence Why did Iran provoke The Greatest President's Navy? Navy men were dancing drunk and naked on the ships. Iranian pirates thought they were oil tankers. Iran's navy wants the USA to give it independence. Vice President Cheney ordered Navy ships to use experimental navigation in Iranian waters. January 8, 2008 *E-mail destruction, The Greatest President, Greatest Vice President, Executive Branch, Judicial Branch, Joe Wilson's War, Alberto Gonzales Somebody in the judicial branch is trying to order the executive branch to expose their email. What's next? Bill Clinton will order Monica to return the dress. President Bush will be ordered to un-commute Scooter. Valerie Plame will order Vice President Cheney to testify. The Supreme Court will order Florida to recount the 2000 vote. Some judge who Alberto Gonzales would have fired will order Cheney to release his Energy commission list. January 7, 2008 *2007 Truthiness Awards/Voting, truthiness, writers, caucus Have you voted in the Truthiness Awards yet? Yes, but a bear scratched my ballot. I will as soon as Colbert releases his taped interrogation of the writers. Twice. Why do Democrats hate caucuses? January 6, 2008 *Pakistan Push, Called that, frenemy, I Called It, Stephen Colbert, assisted by Dubai extended lemo drivers WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer and Grazon We here at the Daily Poll are, like Stephen and Jesus, modest folk. But sometimes, like Stephen, we have to mention that we CALLED IT! How? By voting for Bush in 2000 and 2004. By recognizing the troops need time to get from Iran's border to Pakistan. By knowing no-bid contracts will require a trip to Dubai. By forecasting Operation Pakistani Peace. January 5, 2008 *Destruction Planning, The Shadow of the Torturer, CIA, enhanced interrogation, The Greatest President, Executive Privilege, Valerie Plame, gutly Why are people so upset over the CIA planning for and carrying out the proper destruction of intelligence? They aren't gutly enough. They aren't, it's the liberal media filter pretending they are. It's how terrorists fight us here. They didn't destroy Mr. and Mrs. Plame at the same time. They wanted to watch the islamo-fascists tortured on The YouTube. January 4, 2008 *Obama scores, ObamaTube, Obamamamamia!, Mike Huckabee, Oprah, It-getter, Barack Obama, WristStrong How did Obama bin Barack win the Democrats' Iowa Caucus last night? Obamamamia recieved the Colbert bump. Democrats couldn't heart Huckabee on their ballot. Oprah led a surge of Chicago lesbians into Iowa. It-getters are all Republican. He wore his WristStrong bracelet. January 3, 2008 *Oil Capitalism, Virgin oil, Jimmy Carter, Reaganomics, Canada, oil, gas, as researched by the recess appointed DOE Director of Gas Relations WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer Now that oil has reached $100 per barrel, how will you celebrate? Practice praying 5 times a day facing East. Take a road trip in your Hummer to the site of the Bush library. Sell your barrel futures to Canadians for 90 Canadian dollars. Make a TV movie that blames it on Jimmy Carter. January 2, 2008 *Recess points, Recess Appointments, Democrats, The Greatest President, real Americans While real Americans relax and enjoy holiday celebrations, Democrats: Stay in session to block otherwise automatic recess appointments by President Bush. Annoy Iowa with polls. Annoy New Hampshire with polls. Help the terrorists destroy Christmas. January 1, 2008 - No Bears Day *Road to Armageddon, sodomites, Democrats, hero, The Greatest President, The Messiah While sodomites and Democrats make new years resolutions, heroes focus on the important things: Bush's third term. The Return of the Messiah. Liberating Iran and Pakistan through the dedication of Blackwater and Halliburton employees. The Road to Armageddon.